Hearing the message

One issue that I am trying to deal with lately is how easily I become distracted and don't listen in meetings. When I don't hear what people are saying in meetings, I fail to hear the message and it defeats my purpose for being there. I might as well not even be there because I don't get any benefit from it. When I my mind wanders during the meeting, I am trying to refocus my attention onto the person speaking, but I struggle with it.

Ticket meetings are common at the GLBT clubhouse where I go to most of my meetings. I like ticket meetings because I feel the random element injects my H.P.'s will into the course of the meeting. However, when I have something I want to say, I start get frustrated when my number isn't called. As the meeting goes on, I find myself rehearsing my share in my head or getting impatient for whoever is speaking to finish their share. At this point, I'm not hearing anybody but myself.

Another distraction is cross-talk. My home group is a very large Friday night meeting. There are often four or five conversations going on during the meeting at once. I have very sensitive hearing and a whisper across the room is enough to distract me and take me out of the moment. I have enough trouble tuning out the sound of the air conditioning, the overhead fans, the traffic on the adjacent road, etc., without having to try to listen over all the chatter. I can get very irritated, which doesn't help me focus. I just stew for the rest of the meeting, feeding resentments for everyone who makes it difficult for me to listen to the speaker.

One distraction that came up at tonight's 10 o'clock meeting is lust. The speaker is someone I've been acquainted with for years, but I can never remember his name when I run into him. This is probably because I have always unconsciously thought of him as meat and not a person. For the first few minutes of his share, I kept sharing at the hole in the crotch of his jeans rather than listening. I had to try very hard to redirect my attention, but I did it. I could relate to his share on a number of levels and it made me realize that he was, in fact, a whole human being with thoughts and feelings. I don't think I'll have trouble remembering his name in the future.

The only solution to the problem, I think, is prayer. I think I'm going to try praying to my H.P. before each meeting to help me hear the message. I think this is a good idea, but it came from my mind and is therefore suspect by default. This idea came from the same brain that sees Ultimate Fighting Championship on television and says, "I could totally do that!" I have to remember to talk to my sponsor and other alcoholics about my ideas before putting them into action, because my alcoholic mind can make delusional, self-serving or just plain horrendously bad ideas seem like good ones. I don't, at this time, see any harm in using prayer in this way. It may or may not help, but I don't think it could hurt to try. My sponsor might see something in my motives that I don't, so I'll run it by her tomorrow when we go over my Step One work.

An unhealthy "relationship"

In the past few days, I have had a series of revelations regarding how I approach romantic relationships. The pattern is this: I meet someone who sets off the Husband Alarm in my head (a trait inherited from my Jewish maternal line) and I kick into gear. I manipulate, plot and connive until I've got him in my trap. Then I'm suddenly in a relationship with someone I don't know.

In October 2005, I went to the local GLBT AA clubhouse website. On the discussion board, I read a message from a man that had moved here from Back East and didn't know any other gay people in the program yet. He had eight years sober but hadn't been to any gay meetings in town yet because he was very shy. Without having met, seen or spoken to him, I decided that he would be my husband. Within weeks, we were an item.

About two months in, I found out he had lied to me about his age. I was upset because we had very specifically discussed how we both wanted a relationship based on rigorous honesty and other principles of the program. I should have ended it right there, but I didn't. At that moment, knowing about his dishonesty, I chose to continue and thus stopped being true to myself. This effectively ended my program. I stopped talking to my sponsor and doing stepwork. I went to fewer and fewer meetings. More lies came out and I looked the other way. By the time we reached our anniversary, I had found out he had lied about his job, education, heritage, economic status and a few other things. But I didn't want to give up my delusions that we had a great relationship.

We broke up this past May (on a completely unrelated issue which was mostly my fault) and I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I was pissed off for about two days, but fine after that. I realized that the man I fell in love with didn't exist and I had no romantic feelings left for the man that did.

He harrassed me for months after the break-up. I had to change my phone number and move my primary blog to a new address because he sent threatening text messages and left nasty comments, once on my belly-button birthday. I haven't heard from him since, luckily.

I see now that I can't pick mates very well. Plotting and manipulating will not get me into healthy relationships. I need to get the hell out of the way, focus on my program and my relationship with my H.P., and not date for a year at least. I'm also not having sex until after my sexual inventory. When I do decide to have sex, I'm not going to shit where I eat by sleeping with men from the AA meetings I go to - I've gotten myself into awkward situations that way too.

I believe my H.P. wants good things for me. I believe that if I get out of the way and focus on doing the next right thing, eventually my H.P. will put the right man in my life at the right time.