Relapse

In April, I celebrated five years of sobriety. Things were going great. I had just been accepted to a masters degree program. I had a great job I enjoyed. I broke up with my boyfriend the next month, but I was still feeling pretty good about it. I had been under the care of a gastroenterologist for digestive issues, but I felt great otherwise. I had all sorts of blessings, but I forgot that it was my Higher Power's doing instead of mine. I thought I was running my life well and I was full of false pride. I was going to very few meetings, I had stopped working with a sponsor and doing steps, and I was doing no service work. I wasn't even praying.

In August, I was having problems with my jaw and my doctor prescribed soma, a muscle relaxant. Soma has a very similar effect to the one alcohol has on me. I had forgotten that, on my own, I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. I thought I could handle a prescription drug on my own and I was wrong. A twenty-day supply was gone in six.

It took me a few weeks to acknowledge to myself or anyone else that this was a relapse. I was at a 10PM meeting at the local GLBT clubhouse and we read from the 12x12 about Step Ten. I remember reading about disguising bad intentions under good ones. I realized that I had been making excuses for the relapse and that I was in denial. Immediately after the meeting, I privately spoke to a friend in the program and admitted that I had relapsed. It was the first time I had said it out loud. I also admitted that, when I honestly looked back at the past five years, the same thing had happened every time a doctor had prescribed a muscle relaxant or pain killer. Additionally, I admitted that I had used poppers (amyl nitrate) and that I justified it to myself by telling myself there is still no consensus among AA members whether poppers count as a drug. This, too, was denial, because if I am being honest with myself, I have to admit that I used them to alter my feelings and state of mind. For me (without passing judgment on what anyone else does), that is a relapse.

The next day, September 21st, I requalified at a noon meeting. It was humbling but liberating. I was finally free from the shame that I had felt about hiding my relapse. I was also finally convinced, after 13 years of coming in and going out, that I would eventually die of the disease of alcoholism and addiction if I didn't get honest and willing to do the program without reservation.

I have a new sponsor now, whom I call everyday. I pray in the morning when I wake up and at night before bed. I go to a meeting every day, sometimes two. I read the Big Book, not as often as I should probably, but regularly. I am working on Step One again. I have service commitments. I have taken every suggestion my sponsor has given me without reservation. I have a willingness I never had as a newcomer before.

There are things I could be doing better. I am not perfect, but I don't think my Higher Power wants me to be. Progress rather than perfection, right? I could be reading the Big Book and taking some time on my stepwork every day. I could be calling other alcoholics more often. I could be better at praying immediately upon waking up, rather than after I smoke, check e-mail, etc. Today I am capable of seeing the areas where I could improve and working toward those goals.

I still have a lot of the blessings I have received from the program before requalifying. I'm working on my masters degree in earnest and doing well. I still have a great job. I am on medical leave due to my digestive issues, which gives me a chance to refocus on my program. With all of the medical tests I've been through, I've found out that I'm in great health in general, though there still is no definitive cause for my symptoms yet. I am grateful enough for the good things that I am willing to accept the challenges.

I can't predict how willing I will be tomorrow. But today, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober today.