In the past few days, I have had a series of revelations regarding how I approach romantic relationships. The pattern is this: I meet someone who sets off the Husband Alarm in my head (a trait inherited from my Jewish maternal line) and I kick into gear. I manipulate, plot and connive until I've got him in my trap. Then I'm suddenly in a relationship with someone I don't know.
In October 2005, I went to the local GLBT AA clubhouse website. On the discussion board, I read a message from a man that had moved here from Back East and didn't know any other gay people in the program yet. He had eight years sober but hadn't been to any gay meetings in town yet because he was very shy. Without having met, seen or spoken to him, I decided that he would be my husband. Within weeks, we were an item.
About two months in, I found out he had lied to me about his age. I was upset because we had very specifically discussed how we both wanted a relationship based on rigorous honesty and other principles of the program. I should have ended it right there, but I didn't. At that moment, knowing about his dishonesty, I chose to continue and thus stopped being true to myself. This effectively ended my program. I stopped talking to my sponsor and doing stepwork. I went to fewer and fewer meetings. More lies came out and I looked the other way. By the time we reached our anniversary, I had found out he had lied about his job, education, heritage, economic status and a few other things. But I didn't want to give up my delusions that we had a great relationship.
We broke up this past May (on a completely unrelated issue which was mostly my fault) and I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I was pissed off for about two days, but fine after that. I realized that the man I fell in love with didn't exist and I had no romantic feelings left for the man that did.
He harrassed me for months after the break-up. I had to change my phone number and move my primary blog to a new address because he sent threatening text messages and left nasty comments, once on my belly-button birthday. I haven't heard from him since, luckily.
I see now that I can't pick mates very well. Plotting and manipulating will not get me into healthy relationships. I need to get the hell out of the way, focus on my program and my relationship with my H.P., and not date for a year at least. I'm also not having sex until after my sexual inventory. When I do decide to have sex, I'm not going to shit where I eat by sleeping with men from the AA meetings I go to - I've gotten myself into awkward situations that way too.
I believe my H.P. wants good things for me. I believe that if I get out of the way and focus on doing the next right thing, eventually my H.P. will put the right man in my life at the right time.
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4 comments:
Hi, JB! Thanks for this blog, which I found through your comment on another's blog. I'm fairly new to the program, having just hit my 6 month mark a few days ago. It's been an exciting journey. I needed to hear your message about relationships, and I love the "house" metaphor. Please drop by my blog when you have time. No wisdom there yet, but I'd welcome a visit from you. Be well!
Hi JB, one thing I am finding is that there are some things that AA cannot cure.
In the beggining (i have 103 days), all I did was read, breather, eat and drink AA.
After a while, some of the meetings were becoming a strain for me.
So I tried other meetings, NA, to mix it up.Some of the things I dont like about meetins, are hearing the same things over and over, the same words and phrases, some very long shares that become boring and I fall asleep.
My inability to share, to think of something inspiring to share.
So I go to some online fellowships. I listen to some audio as well.
But bottom line, I don't have a belief that AA has all the answers. This goes against what alot of AAers believe.
I love AA dont get me wrong, it got me to sobriety, and it has been quite easy.
I never actually really contemplate getting drunk.
BUt, there are other things in life I need to do, and I can't spend so much time in meetings. THey are draining for me. Unfortunately my home group has alot of relapsers. it is very sad and I dont need this.
I do see your point, FJ. There are problems that AA can't fix. In fact, the Big Book clearly states that many find it necessary to seek outside help in addition to the program.
However, application of the Twelve Steps to my problems, conscious contact with my H.P., and acceptance where all else fails is an extremely powerful system. My problems are not instantly solved, but I will have insight into them and, hopefully, willingness to do the next right thing to deal with them when the time is right, including seeking outside help when needed.
AA meetings are not the alpha-and-omega, but they are necessary for me. I am trying to do 90-in-90 as has been suggested by others. After that, I will always need regular meetings to keep me from forgetting that I'm an alcoholic. Plus, I enjoy the fellowship. There are always opportunities to meet new people, because I know I have something in common with everyone who walks in the door.
Nowhere does it say that we have to be eloquent and inspiring all the time when we share. We share from the heart and sometimes someone will get something out of it. Whether you have twenty years or twenty minutes sober, what you have to say might inadvertently save someone's life.
I personally need to hear from relapsers. Yes, it is sad to hear someone so demoralized by their relapse. But it isn't a failure; it's a disease. It's the disease we alcoholics all have and anyone can relapse. All we have between ourselves and the bottle is a daily reprieve courtesy of our individual H.P.'s. When I hear about someone else's relapse, I listen because I don't want it to happen to me and what they have to say reminds me how to stay sober today.
In my experience, when I am tired of meetings and I think I'm just hearing the same thing over and over again, it's because I'm not working steps. Sure, we do hear the same things a lot. That's because a) we're stubborn alcoholics and we need to hear things over and over again and b) the program is pretty simple. When I'm doing stepwork, though, I have new insights about myself and I hear those things echoed in other people's shares. Something I've heard a hundred times before will click in a completely new way for me.
I know it's hard finding a sponsor sometimes. Sometimes the people you ask already have so many sponsees that they barely have to for them. Others are just going through outside circumstances. Most who say no do so because it wouldn't be fair to you to give you less attention than you need to do stepwork. Keep asking people, announce that you need a sponsor when you share, go to various meetings. You will find a good sponsor to help you through the steps.
Hi, J, this is your sister.
I get the "husband alarm" too. I have to say - it's much more original coming from a young gay man than an (almost) 29 year old career-driven woman who lives alone with multiple cats.
By th way...th vowl that coms right aftr d just brok on my kyboard...fun.
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