An unhealthy "relationship"

In the past few days, I have had a series of revelations regarding how I approach romantic relationships. The pattern is this: I meet someone who sets off the Husband Alarm in my head (a trait inherited from my Jewish maternal line) and I kick into gear. I manipulate, plot and connive until I've got him in my trap. Then I'm suddenly in a relationship with someone I don't know.

In October 2005, I went to the local GLBT AA clubhouse website. On the discussion board, I read a message from a man that had moved here from Back East and didn't know any other gay people in the program yet. He had eight years sober but hadn't been to any gay meetings in town yet because he was very shy. Without having met, seen or spoken to him, I decided that he would be my husband. Within weeks, we were an item.

About two months in, I found out he had lied to me about his age. I was upset because we had very specifically discussed how we both wanted a relationship based on rigorous honesty and other principles of the program. I should have ended it right there, but I didn't. At that moment, knowing about his dishonesty, I chose to continue and thus stopped being true to myself. This effectively ended my program. I stopped talking to my sponsor and doing stepwork. I went to fewer and fewer meetings. More lies came out and I looked the other way. By the time we reached our anniversary, I had found out he had lied about his job, education, heritage, economic status and a few other things. But I didn't want to give up my delusions that we had a great relationship.

We broke up this past May (on a completely unrelated issue which was mostly my fault) and I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be. I was pissed off for about two days, but fine after that. I realized that the man I fell in love with didn't exist and I had no romantic feelings left for the man that did.

He harrassed me for months after the break-up. I had to change my phone number and move my primary blog to a new address because he sent threatening text messages and left nasty comments, once on my belly-button birthday. I haven't heard from him since, luckily.

I see now that I can't pick mates very well. Plotting and manipulating will not get me into healthy relationships. I need to get the hell out of the way, focus on my program and my relationship with my H.P., and not date for a year at least. I'm also not having sex until after my sexual inventory. When I do decide to have sex, I'm not going to shit where I eat by sleeping with men from the AA meetings I go to - I've gotten myself into awkward situations that way too.

I believe my H.P. wants good things for me. I believe that if I get out of the way and focus on doing the next right thing, eventually my H.P. will put the right man in my life at the right time.