Sponsors are usually right

Last night, I spoke to my sponsor, L., and told her that I established this blog. Her response surprised me. She said that if I had enough free time for this, then I should have enough free time to finish my Step One writing. Ouch. But she was right.

The Step One writing that she had assigned me was to make two lists. On the first, she told me to list everything I was powerless over. On the second, she told me to list the consequences that occur when I try to impose my will on these things. Over the past couple of weeks, I wrote and I revisited the lists every few days, praying immediately beforehand as my sponsor had instructed. At the time of our conversation last night, I thought my lists were pretty complete. But when I prayed and looked at the lists again, I added quite a bit. I believe I saw the point of the exercise: left to my own devices, I am powerless over a lot of stuff and when I try to control them, I can fuck things up pretty badly. I realized that if I worked on these lists for a year, I would never finish them, because there is no limit to my powerlessness and unmanageability.

Another issue I talked to her about was returning to work. My three weeks of medical leave for a digestive condition is almost up. I am feeling anxiety about returning to work. When we spoke last night, I really wanted to extend my leave another three weeks. My latest course of medications hasn't changed my symptoms much, except that after working up to the maximum dosage of the antispasmodic, I have experience a reduction in the frequency and severity of cramps. I'm still going to the bathroom up to ten times a day, though usually around six. I am physically capable of working, but whether it would be good for me is another question. L. said that I should work if physically capable. Upon reflection, I have to admit she was right. I am waiting for return calls from both my GP and my gastroenterologist. As long as they don't say it's a bad idea, I will return to work Thursday.