Yikes! Has it really been almost two weeks since I've blogged? Where did the time go? I'm so busy these days that I barely have time to think, which might be a good thing.
I got my 30-day chip this past Sunday. I'm still going to lots of meetings, but not as much as before, since I'm back at work. I'm still calling my sponsor almost daily and praying when I remember to. I'm slowly working on the Step Two assignment my sponsor gave me, which involves writing about my current and past conceptions of my H.P. and the forms of insanity/unmanageability in my life.
I saw my gastroenterologist yesterday and told him that the most recent course of medication hasn't been working. He wanted to prescribe a liquid opiate, but I said no, though the alcoholic/addict part of my brain was saying, "Yippee!!! Gimme, gimme, gimme!!!" I knew that it wouldn't be the best thing for me right now. Abuse would be very likely, considering my history with prescriptions. I've never had experience with strong opiates, so I have no way of knowing what my reaction would be. It could take me right out again. And even if used as directed, I would likely have to detox from it eventually.
We talked about other options, including looking at things that can cause chronic diarrhea other than inflammatory bowel diseases, which have been ruled out. His nurse drew blood for more tests, including a B12 test to see if I have pernicious anemia. I had an abdominal ultrasound this morning to check my gall bladder. I should get the results early next week. My doctor gave me samples of a medication that replaces pancreatic enzymes, in case it's my pancreas causing the problems. He felt that it was worth looking into, considering my drinking history.
He also brought up Behçet's disease because I have had other symptoms recently that are consistent with it. There is no definitive diagnostic test for it, but he is consulting the medical literature for clues. From what I've read, it's a good lead. I've had the genital sores (and tested negative for both types of herpes), swollen lymph nodes, epididymitis, sore joints and muscle pain when I hadn't been exerting myself. I'm also in the prime age group for onset of symptoms. I haven't had the mouth ulcers though, which is considered to be necessary for a positive diagnosis. However, I've read that the other symptoms can precede the mouth ulcers by years. If my gastroenterologist thinks that this might be Behçet's, then we will likely proceed with appropriate treatments, including corticosteroids, and see how that goes.
That's about it for now. More later.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Returning to work, or at least trying to
Today I was scheduled to return to work after three weeks of medical leave. Since neither my G.P. nor my gastroenterologist had returned my phone calls, I assumed that there was no pressing need for me to remain on leave. I woke up at 4:45 in the morning, got ready, left the house at 5:30, caught my bus, and arrived on campus at 6:50, ten minutes before I was scheduled to start work. Early for once. I was the first to arrive. Over the next two hours, coworkers and my supervisor welcomed me back. It wasn't until nine that administration called and informed my supervisor that I needed medical clearance to start work again.
I didn't get mad or frustrated. I called my doctor and the soonest can can see me is tomorrow at 7:30. Provided he gives clearance, I'll go to work after. At least I got another day off in the deal.
I stayed on campus for a while and read chapters two through four in the Big Book. It had been too long since I had read them. There's some great stuff in there. My sponsor says that sometimes she could swear that the book changes between readings. I know what she means. With the passage of time and new experiences, I understood some portions in different ways than I had the last time I had read them.
One thing that jumped out at me in Chapter 4, "We Agnostics", is the discussion about faith in science. One thing its authors did not appear to be aware of, and which would further strengthen their case, is that nothing can be proven in science. We design theories that fit the available data, generate hypotheses and test these hypotheses. A positive result strengthens the case for the theory, never proves it. In mathematics, geometry and logic, statements can be proven only insofar as we accept the underlying axioms. Axioms are unprovable and untestable; they are articles of faith. Axioms are accepted because they seem to make sense and they are useful for discussing phenomena. We cannot even prove or disprove the that a number is equal to itself! Even this seemingly self-evident assumption has been the source of much debate among mathematicians. There are theoretical spaces based on different axioms, including ones in which a number is not equal to itself, that give rise to different mathematical laws. These might be useful in some applications. The point is that without axioms, or articles of faith, we cannot meaningfully discuss anything.
To me, the steps are like a scientific experiment. The existence of my H.P. is an axiom that I accept as an article of faith. The alternatives, an axiom in which there is no H.P. or no axiom at all, leave me without hope of recovering from my powerlessness over my alcohol, which I have tried on my own to no avail. The remainder of Step Two, that this H.P. will restore me to sanity, is a theory based on my axiom. The 9th Step Promises are a set of hypotheses and operational variables that spell out how sanity will be measured for the purpose of the experiment. By performing Steps Three through Nine, I do the experiment. The Promises coming true in my life strengthen the theory in Step Two. Now this isn't entirely scientific, because the variables are too vague and I can only perform this experiment on myself - an egregious ethical violation in a true scientific experiment. Not to mention that the placebo effect can't be ruled out. How does one compare against a placebo 12-Step group? But as far as I'm concerned, whether it's a placebo or my H.P. doesn't matter (both are matters of faith and their effects indistinguishable). My quality of life improves, in terms of how I feel, when I do the steps. It gets worse when I don't. I prefer to believe it's my H.P. at work.
Oh yes, my gastroenterologist did finally call this afternoon. I don't have Crohn's disease. With this new information, it's likely my GP will give me clearance to return to work. I will just have to hang in there until we find a treatment and/or diagnosis that works. That's all for now.
I didn't get mad or frustrated. I called my doctor and the soonest can can see me is tomorrow at 7:30. Provided he gives clearance, I'll go to work after. At least I got another day off in the deal.
I stayed on campus for a while and read chapters two through four in the Big Book. It had been too long since I had read them. There's some great stuff in there. My sponsor says that sometimes she could swear that the book changes between readings. I know what she means. With the passage of time and new experiences, I understood some portions in different ways than I had the last time I had read them.
One thing that jumped out at me in Chapter 4, "We Agnostics", is the discussion about faith in science. One thing its authors did not appear to be aware of, and which would further strengthen their case, is that nothing can be proven in science. We design theories that fit the available data, generate hypotheses and test these hypotheses. A positive result strengthens the case for the theory, never proves it. In mathematics, geometry and logic, statements can be proven only insofar as we accept the underlying axioms. Axioms are unprovable and untestable; they are articles of faith. Axioms are accepted because they seem to make sense and they are useful for discussing phenomena. We cannot even prove or disprove the that a number is equal to itself! Even this seemingly self-evident assumption has been the source of much debate among mathematicians. There are theoretical spaces based on different axioms, including ones in which a number is not equal to itself, that give rise to different mathematical laws. These might be useful in some applications. The point is that without axioms, or articles of faith, we cannot meaningfully discuss anything.
To me, the steps are like a scientific experiment. The existence of my H.P. is an axiom that I accept as an article of faith. The alternatives, an axiom in which there is no H.P. or no axiom at all, leave me without hope of recovering from my powerlessness over my alcohol, which I have tried on my own to no avail. The remainder of Step Two, that this H.P. will restore me to sanity, is a theory based on my axiom. The 9th Step Promises are a set of hypotheses and operational variables that spell out how sanity will be measured for the purpose of the experiment. By performing Steps Three through Nine, I do the experiment. The Promises coming true in my life strengthen the theory in Step Two. Now this isn't entirely scientific, because the variables are too vague and I can only perform this experiment on myself - an egregious ethical violation in a true scientific experiment. Not to mention that the placebo effect can't be ruled out. How does one compare against a placebo 12-Step group? But as far as I'm concerned, whether it's a placebo or my H.P. doesn't matter (both are matters of faith and their effects indistinguishable). My quality of life improves, in terms of how I feel, when I do the steps. It gets worse when I don't. I prefer to believe it's my H.P. at work.
Oh yes, my gastroenterologist did finally call this afternoon. I don't have Crohn's disease. With this new information, it's likely my GP will give me clearance to return to work. I will just have to hang in there until we find a treatment and/or diagnosis that works. That's all for now.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Sponsors are usually right
Last night, I spoke to my sponsor, L., and told her that I established this blog. Her response surprised me. She said that if I had enough free time for this, then I should have enough free time to finish my Step One writing. Ouch. But she was right.
The Step One writing that she had assigned me was to make two lists. On the first, she told me to list everything I was powerless over. On the second, she told me to list the consequences that occur when I try to impose my will on these things. Over the past couple of weeks, I wrote and I revisited the lists every few days, praying immediately beforehand as my sponsor had instructed. At the time of our conversation last night, I thought my lists were pretty complete. But when I prayed and looked at the lists again, I added quite a bit. I believe I saw the point of the exercise: left to my own devices, I am powerless over a lot of stuff and when I try to control them, I can fuck things up pretty badly. I realized that if I worked on these lists for a year, I would never finish them, because there is no limit to my powerlessness and unmanageability.
Another issue I talked to her about was returning to work. My three weeks of medical leave for a digestive condition is almost up. I am feeling anxiety about returning to work. When we spoke last night, I really wanted to extend my leave another three weeks. My latest course of medications hasn't changed my symptoms much, except that after working up to the maximum dosage of the antispasmodic, I have experience a reduction in the frequency and severity of cramps. I'm still going to the bathroom up to ten times a day, though usually around six. I am physically capable of working, but whether it would be good for me is another question. L. said that I should work if physically capable. Upon reflection, I have to admit she was right. I am waiting for return calls from both my GP and my gastroenterologist. As long as they don't say it's a bad idea, I will return to work Thursday.
The Step One writing that she had assigned me was to make two lists. On the first, she told me to list everything I was powerless over. On the second, she told me to list the consequences that occur when I try to impose my will on these things. Over the past couple of weeks, I wrote and I revisited the lists every few days, praying immediately beforehand as my sponsor had instructed. At the time of our conversation last night, I thought my lists were pretty complete. But when I prayed and looked at the lists again, I added quite a bit. I believe I saw the point of the exercise: left to my own devices, I am powerless over a lot of stuff and when I try to control them, I can fuck things up pretty badly. I realized that if I worked on these lists for a year, I would never finish them, because there is no limit to my powerlessness and unmanageability.
Another issue I talked to her about was returning to work. My three weeks of medical leave for a digestive condition is almost up. I am feeling anxiety about returning to work. When we spoke last night, I really wanted to extend my leave another three weeks. My latest course of medications hasn't changed my symptoms much, except that after working up to the maximum dosage of the antispasmodic, I have experience a reduction in the frequency and severity of cramps. I'm still going to the bathroom up to ten times a day, though usually around six. I am physically capable of working, but whether it would be good for me is another question. L. said that I should work if physically capable. Upon reflection, I have to admit she was right. I am waiting for return calls from both my GP and my gastroenterologist. As long as they don't say it's a bad idea, I will return to work Thursday.
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