Long overdue

Yikes! Has it really been almost two weeks since I've blogged? Where did the time go? I'm so busy these days that I barely have time to think, which might be a good thing.

I got my 30-day chip this past Sunday. I'm still going to lots of meetings, but not as much as before, since I'm back at work. I'm still calling my sponsor almost daily and praying when I remember to. I'm slowly working on the Step Two assignment my sponsor gave me, which involves writing about my current and past conceptions of my H.P. and the forms of insanity/unmanageability in my life.

I saw my gastroenterologist yesterday and told him that the most recent course of medication hasn't been working. He wanted to prescribe a liquid opiate, but I said no, though the alcoholic/addict part of my brain was saying, "Yippee!!! Gimme, gimme, gimme!!!" I knew that it wouldn't be the best thing for me right now. Abuse would be very likely, considering my history with prescriptions. I've never had experience with strong opiates, so I have no way of knowing what my reaction would be. It could take me right out again. And even if used as directed, I would likely have to detox from it eventually.

We talked about other options, including looking at things that can cause chronic diarrhea other than inflammatory bowel diseases, which have been ruled out. His nurse drew blood for more tests, including a B12 test to see if I have pernicious anemia. I had an abdominal ultrasound this morning to check my gall bladder. I should get the results early next week. My doctor gave me samples of a medication that replaces pancreatic enzymes, in case it's my pancreas causing the problems. He felt that it was worth looking into, considering my drinking history.

He also brought up Behçet's disease because I have had other symptoms recently that are consistent with it. There is no definitive diagnostic test for it, but he is consulting the medical literature for clues. From what I've read, it's a good lead. I've had the genital sores (and tested negative for both types of herpes), swollen lymph nodes, epididymitis, sore joints and muscle pain when I hadn't been exerting myself. I'm also in the prime age group for onset of symptoms. I haven't had the mouth ulcers though, which is considered to be necessary for a positive diagnosis. However, I've read that the other symptoms can precede the mouth ulcers by years. If my gastroenterologist thinks that this might be Behçet's, then we will likely proceed with appropriate treatments, including corticosteroids, and see how that goes.

That's about it for now. More later.

Hearing the message

One issue that I am trying to deal with lately is how easily I become distracted and don't listen in meetings. When I don't hear what people are saying in meetings, I fail to hear the message and it defeats my purpose for being there. I might as well not even be there because I don't get any benefit from it. When I my mind wanders during the meeting, I am trying to refocus my attention onto the person speaking, but I struggle with it.

Ticket meetings are common at the GLBT clubhouse where I go to most of my meetings. I like ticket meetings because I feel the random element injects my H.P.'s will into the course of the meeting. However, when I have something I want to say, I start get frustrated when my number isn't called. As the meeting goes on, I find myself rehearsing my share in my head or getting impatient for whoever is speaking to finish their share. At this point, I'm not hearing anybody but myself.

Another distraction is cross-talk. My home group is a very large Friday night meeting. There are often four or five conversations going on during the meeting at once. I have very sensitive hearing and a whisper across the room is enough to distract me and take me out of the moment. I have enough trouble tuning out the sound of the air conditioning, the overhead fans, the traffic on the adjacent road, etc., without having to try to listen over all the chatter. I can get very irritated, which doesn't help me focus. I just stew for the rest of the meeting, feeding resentments for everyone who makes it difficult for me to listen to the speaker.

One distraction that came up at tonight's 10 o'clock meeting is lust. The speaker is someone I've been acquainted with for years, but I can never remember his name when I run into him. This is probably because I have always unconsciously thought of him as meat and not a person. For the first few minutes of his share, I kept sharing at the hole in the crotch of his jeans rather than listening. I had to try very hard to redirect my attention, but I did it. I could relate to his share on a number of levels and it made me realize that he was, in fact, a whole human being with thoughts and feelings. I don't think I'll have trouble remembering his name in the future.

The only solution to the problem, I think, is prayer. I think I'm going to try praying to my H.P. before each meeting to help me hear the message. I think this is a good idea, but it came from my mind and is therefore suspect by default. This idea came from the same brain that sees Ultimate Fighting Championship on television and says, "I could totally do that!" I have to remember to talk to my sponsor and other alcoholics about my ideas before putting them into action, because my alcoholic mind can make delusional, self-serving or just plain horrendously bad ideas seem like good ones. I don't, at this time, see any harm in using prayer in this way. It may or may not help, but I don't think it could hurt to try. My sponsor might see something in my motives that I don't, so I'll run it by her tomorrow when we go over my Step One work.